The Francis Marion University basketball teams are in Americus, Georgia, today as they take on the Hurricanes of Georgia Southwestern University in Peach Belt Conference action.
After I wrote an unflattering column about Americus a few years ago many of its citizens didn’t care much for the ol’ ball coach from Francis Marion. In recent years I have worked very hard, and have been very successful, at repairing my reputation in this “Shining City on a Hill.”
So much so that I have decided to run for mayor of Americus.
Your first thought may be to ask how a guy can coach a basketball team in Florence, South Carolina, and also serve as mayor of a small city in Georgia. The answer is fairly simple: I am a genius.
And I’m not just your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill genius. I am a very stable genius, who made very good grades at a, well, very stable and prestigious school.
Americus has had a lot of problems with people from neighboring Lee County migrating into the city. We are going to build a wall right beside Miss Lu Lu’s Massage Parlor running parallel with Main Street down to Church’s Fried Chicken.
Also, the mayor of Macon has been threatening to steal some of our industry. May I remind Boorish Bobby that my economic development button is larger and much more powerful than his.
The Hotel Windsor stands in the center of Americus and is a registered historic landmark. I think it would be appropriate if we renamed it the Hotel Edwards.
My track record speaks for itself. In addition to leading the Patriots to the National Championship last year, I have been instrumental in the revitalization of downtown Florence, and I am the head sous chef at Victor’s on the weekends.
Just this morning there has been a rumor circulating through town that I have been colluding with South Carolina to dig up dirt on current Americus mayor, Barry Blount. Believe me; I don’t need the Palmetto State’s help to beat Bumbling Barry. There is no collusion!
I invited the good people of Americus to our basketball practice last night at Georgia Southwestern. We couldn’t fit them all into the arena, there had to be at least 50,000 people there.
I’ll be funding most of my campaign, but small donations will be appreciated. Together, let’s make Americus great again!